Empathy in Negotiation?

I’m reading “Getting More” by Stuart Diamond…again.  I don’t typically read books twice, but there is usable content in this book that it is hard not to.  It’s a book about negotiation, but feels like more than that. It’s also about how we get things done together. According to Diamond, what gets in the way of working together are differing mental pictures. You can come to a negotiation, but if you don’t try to see the situation the way the other party sees it, you’ll have a hard time reaching an agreement.

Photo Credit: Sharon Sinclair

Diamond recommends ‘role reversal’ practice as a way to gain knowledge about those with whom you are trying to negotiate. It’s just another way of saying, “Put yourself in the other person’s shoes.” I’ve known some folks to bristle when you tell them to do this, but it is an invaluable exercise. I find it most interesting, oddly enough, when it comes to negotiating agreements with my kids. I try to make sure I understand their position and then see if I can repeat it back to them to make sure they know that I know where they are coming from.

Diamond argues that if you don’t show that you understand the other party’s position, the other party will get stuck in a loop and won’t come out of it. Do this early, he says. If I say, “[Son], it sounds like you’re frustrated that you’re not able to the same things as your friends. You’re worried that you won’t be able to talk to them about the same things that they’re talking about,” and I can get him to say, “That’s right” then I know I’m getting somewhere. It may take a few tries, though, because you may not understand at all the reason for his position. But that’s the point.

You really can’t help them meet their goals unless you understand their goals. Traditionally, negotiation has been about you reaching your goals at the expense of the other party. This may work once or twice, but over time you’ll find that you’re not able to make deals any more, argues Diamond. Also, you’ll suffer from a loss of credibility.

What I enjoy most about the concepts in “Getting More” is that they are counter-intuitive. Who knew that you would need so much empathy in order to engage in a successful negotiation? It’s almost like, if you want to negotiate with someone, you need to provide them a service. That service is listening. There is considerable value gifting the other party with the acknowledgement that they’re being heard. If you don’t provide that service, you’re going to get less because they’ll be crippled by an unmet need. Help them reach that goal and you’ll both get more!

Machine Learning and Human Self-awareness

With all the talk around machine learning, it causes us to reflect how humans learn. What are the parallels between humans and machines? What can machine learning teach us about our experiences and the actions we take based on our experiences?

ML is a way to provide meaningful experiences to machines. 

Photo Credit: Alan Levine

We convey information to silicone based entities in a language they understand, “When this happens, this other thing tends to happen.” Or, getting slightly more complicated, “When these four things happen, with some of those things being more significant than others, this other thing has a very big chance of happening.”

What makes machine learning different from run-of-the-mill statistics is that we tend to care less about the process or even the veracity of the data. The outcome is all that matters. If a machine is able to experience enough scenarios and outcomes, there is a fairly good chance it can provide us with a prediction. 

If machines learn by experiencing data, there is theoretically no limit to what they can learn. Data is the limit. A machine needs enough of the right kind of data for its predictions or insights to be meaningful. 

Humans learn through experience as well, but the sheer number of datapoints processed through their five senses is astronomical. Think of going for a walk. Every forward leg movement is a vicious, light-speed cycle of inputs and their resulting outputs. Not only are we learning as well walk, but we’re taking into account years of walking/learning experiences. We have multiple models going on at once.

There isn’t a single action humans take that isn’t informed by nearly infinite numbers of data points. Human decisions are the result of a form of ‘supervised learning’. We act, experience, and choose to act again based on an aggregation of results or outcomes. And to add to the permutations of parallelism, we’re impacted by external models (other humans).

What are the experiences and training we’re providing each other? How does abuse impact a person expectations of outcomes? How does this impact the actions they take in the future? How does poverty impact the ‘supervised learning’ that humans experience? When a person lands in jail, how did they get there? What models are society using to put them there? When someone does something to contribute positively to society, how do we create responses that affirm these actions and stimulate more of them?

The more we explore machine learning, the more we’ll learn about ourselves. My hope is that this will provide us with a level of enlightenment and self-awareness that we’ve not seen before.

Wild West Hackin’ Fest: Affordable and Content-Heavy

John Strand, who owns Black Hills Information Security (BHIS), has a way clearing the fog of what passes for knowledge in the security industry. And he knows how to make his audiences laugh. It’s a kind of cathartic truth-laugh that brings people together. I remember the first time I heard him plug the Wild West Hackin’ Fest (WWHF). I made a mental note. This could be a good, small conference that offers a lot of value. Of course, I knew that there was a lot more to BHIS than its owner, but you can often tell the culture of events from the folks who run them.

So last summer, on our family vacation, I did some recon. We managed to stay a couple nights in Deadwood. Perfect chance to inspect the venue and get a good sense of what a conference here might be like. Yup, I could definitely see this: a security conference in Deadwood.

Not long after that trip I made plans to go. And I convinced a colleague to come with me. It wasn’t fancy. Don’t get me wrong. The Deadwood Mountain Grand Hotel was awesome, but the bulk of the sessions were basically in two large rooms and a stage, which were really part of one large room divided by curtains. But here’s the thing. I don’t need fancy. I need content. And that’s what we got. Session after session was loaded with content.

I remember a talk by Paul Vixie, one of the creators of DNS, that completely tied me in to the importance of DNS. And another talk by Jon Ham where his passion for forensics made me feel like there was a whole world that I’d been skipping over in my infosec career development. And Jake Williams was there too. His session was on privilege escalation. And I was like, “Wait, what?” — an eye opener indeed. Also memorable was a talk by Annah Waggoner. It was her first talk and she was inspirational. Doing a talk for the first time at an event like WWHF has to take courage. Which is another thing, WWHF is great about pushing, encouraging folks to present, especially those who haven’t done it before.

I’m not going to rehash every talk, but I do want to encourage people to go to this event. I’m very excited about going again this year! If you want an affordable, content-heavy, hands-on experience, Deadwood in October is the time and place for you!


How can you be a consultant in your own organzation?

We’ve all seen it, especially folks who work in IT, or any area where things are changing faster than they ever have been. We hire consultants to bring value, and they often do, but often not as much as we expect them to.

Just like anyone in our departments, these folks have their specialties and they don’t know everything about everything. The resulting gaps in knowledge can create painful obstacles on the way toward successful project completion. These are the “we don’t know what we don’t know” gaps. Knowledge gaps are challenging, but they also present huge opportunities.

Identifying knowledge gaps and diving into them head first is critical. You don’t know what you don’t know until you start asking yourself what you don’t know. I know, sounds dumb, but that’s where you have to start. If there is no one in your organization who can answer your questions or who can bring value to a high-demand subject area, then it’s time to start diving, digging, reading, watching, learning, asking, etc. This can mean reading books, experimenting with technology, and generally getting out of your comfort zone.

Sure, it’s a lot of work, but if you’re not doing this work, you’re not bringing value to yourself or your organization. As you start to dig, you’re bringing value to yourself because there are few things more rewarding than learning, and then sharing what you’ve learned. You’re bringing value to organization because they don’t know what they don’t know.

I get it, this process isn’t for everyone. All I’m saying is that the knowledge gap problem is solvable. No training budget? Okay, well, there is seriously more information online than you seriously digest in a billion lifetimes. Don’t know how to cull through that information? Well, you won’t know how until you start pushing yourself to sort it out. And the thing with learning is that once you learn something, it’s hard to feel like you’ve made any progress because now you know it and it doesn’t seem like a big deal. So don’t forget to take stock of the things you’re learning. You know more today than you did yesterday!

Also, a big part of learning is sharing what you’ve learned, even if it is nearly immediately after you’ve learned it. It’s like when you share knowledge, the knowledge you share finds a home in your brain.

The more you teach and share, the more you become a consultant in your own organization. You don’t know everything, but neither do your consultants!